Kellen Winslow: Embarrassing crimes contain the words “penis” and “Boston Market”

So, let me get this straight…

On November 19, 2013 a woman called the police to report a strange man masturbating in a Target parking lot.  Once she called the police, she just went on shopping for Mac and Cheese, a table saw and a dust ruffle because Target is amazing like that.

Meanwhile, the cops arrive to find Kellen Winslow in his car (supposedly with his penis under his dark sweatpants) and when asked why he was there he told them he was lost and looking for a Boston Market.  Sadly, a Boston Market restaurant is one of the few items you cannot buy at a Target.

You know what else you can’t buy at a Target?  Synthetic marijuana.  And that’s exactly what the authorities found when they searched Winslow’s car.  They found substances known as “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey.”  Neither of those monikers refer to Winslow’s penis, but the double entendre is just too fun.

When it comes to embarrassing crimes, this isn’t “I tucked a gun in my sweatpants waistband and shot myself in the leg at a club” but it’s the kind of embarrassing criminal activity that could cost you a ton of money when you’re a free-agent in March.  And I think we can all agree that the moral of the story is the following:

1. Keep it in your pants.

2. Get GPS

3. Move to Colorado if you need to smoke to relax (oh, and don’t play in the NFL because they frown on your Mr.Happy/Funky Monkey)

For more details, check out the ESPN report below:

Winslow’s arrest report mentions lewd conductBy Rich Cimini | ESPNNewYork.com Embarrassing details have emerged in the recent arrest of New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow, who was charged last month with possession of synthetic marijuana.

via ESPN